One-on-One’s: Misunderstood and Undervalued

If you search on Google “one-on-one’s” the top results generate questions like:

“What do you discuss in a 1 on 1 with a manager?”

“What is the purpose of a 1 on 1 meeting?”

“How do you get an effective 1 on 1?”

“How do you prepare for one on one with your boss?”

While the practice of one-on-one’s (1:1’s) isn’t necessarily new, when haphazardly rolled out across organizations, it’s one that creates more ambiguity and anxiety than necessary. Many of these anxieties and general feelings of ambiguity come from poor meeting structure, unclear expectations, and a lack of trust between the two partaking individuals. All of these hindrances can leave both employees with a general feeling of time wasted, capping the potential for growth hidden within these one-on-ones.

Because of this, they are consistently misunderstood and criminally undervalued.

In a perfect world, the intention behind the practice of one-on-ones is to foster a personal business relationship between a manager and his or her direct reports. In maintaining regular touchpoints either weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, two outcomes are as follows. One, the direct report has the opportunity to voice concerns, goals, aspirations with their manager in a private and safe setting. Two, the manager maintains an active pulse on the employee’s engagement and satisfaction not only with their day to day tasks but their interpersonal work relationships.

Keeping these intentions back of mind, it’s still often intimidating for direct reports, and managers as well, to know how to spend that one-on-one time. That being said, there’s a simple and effective framework when it comes to these types of meetings. I can’t remember where I’ve heard this before but when I heard about it, I thought it was simply brilliant!

Practically speaking, however long the one-on-one is, shoot for 50% to be focused on business items and the remaining 50% to be spent on more personal topics.

More specifically, within that initial 50% to be spent on “business”, topics such as status updates, blockers on tasks or projects, team dynamics, strategy and next steps, or updates outside of the traditional scope of that specific department would all be fair game. The second 50%, the portion concerning more personal topics is usually where the average employee shies away from. And for good reason. Most employees don’t have an adequate level of trust built with their superiors, especially if these meetings aren’t regularly scheduled. They simply don’t feel comfortable sharing topics other than day-to-day business-related items. Instead of jumping right into current sentiments about their job, their satisfaction, their career goals, etc, building up that rapport can begin with something as small as sharing information about one’s family. Sharing small personal, non-business topics are a gateway to building trust and relational currency that deepens over time. The takeaway here, practice vulnerability and openness to the extent that trust is built within the relationship. Let me say that again. Practice vulnerability and openness to the extent that trust is built within the relationship. This isn’t to mistake honesty for openness. It’s difficult to establish any sort of relationship, business, or not, without honesty and trust. This also isn’t to encourage being closed off in favor of comfortability, but especially in the case of a new relationship, warm-up to the personal topics so that both parties have the chance to see the best in each other before giving advice or passing judgment.

Here are some real-life examples of these personal topics that can be brought up during the latter portion of one-on-one when there’s appropriate trust built:

Personal job satisfaction

Opportunities for improvement (aka constructive feedback)

Role or responsibility expansion

Long term career aspirations (specifically how does your current position and company help with that trajectory)

Current work-life integration (is “work” consuming more of “life” than it should, or is there something about your current “work” that is difficult to healthily integrate into the rest of your “life”)

If these still feel inappropriate given the current business relationship, pointing out the needs of the business and potentially how you as an individual contributor or manager can help fill one or more of those needs is mutually beneficial for both parties involved.

These topics are personal and likely, to an extent, emotionally charged, so having an appropriate working relationship between the manager and the direct report is important if both parties are to be heard, understood, and valued for their opinions.

Pragmatically, when it comes to carrying out these one-on-ones, there are a few pitfalls that can arise if not addressed proactively. As a leader, the manager/most senior member should initiate the conversation. This not only helps get the conversation going but also helps remove the intimidation factor of meeting with a superior. In general, collecting topics beforehand allows both individuals to be prepared for their conversation with little to no surprises catching them off guard. Not doing so may often erode trust and heighten defenses in new relationships. By leading the meeting, the manager is taking ownership of the relationship and ideally creates a warm atmosphere for thoughts and opinions to be shared. This is not to encourage the leader to do the majority of the talking. This is to simply lay a healthy foundation for collaboration and communication.

Some of the other pitfalls arise when the ideal intention for the meeting isn’t exactly carried out and the one-on-one becomes more of a hassle, more hostile, and more frustrating than it needs to be. To call out the obvious, there’s a certain human factor at play when having these meetings. Some individuals may share more one day than others. Similarly, as a leader, some days you (or they) may be more apt to listen and respond in a personable manner. When your one-on-one doesn’t go the way you want, remember, it’s just a meeting. Extend grace to each other and believe the best in each other. No day is exactly the same at work and even if it is, the same can’t be said about personal life. To expect the same responses, the same attitude, and the same receptiveness on both parties’ ends is unrealistic.

Nine times out of ten, the majority of the tensions between managers and direct reports can be boiled down to misaligned expectations.

If you find yourself experiencing communication issues, frustration about not being understood, a lack of productive action items following the meeting, or even a barrage of action items, it’s time to set (or reset) expectations. Setting clear expectations for both individuals helps to keep the meeting specifics as structured as possible. This sets both employees up for sustainable success in the long run. For example, clarifying who owns scheduling the meeting, the cadence, the day of the week and time, do both people agree to the 50/50 format, what expectations does the direct report have about what they get out of the meeting, is the manager there just to sign off on projects and ideas or is there more personal/career development happening? Answering questions like these together helps both parties to be invested in the meeting and get the most out of it.

By utilizing this 50/50 framework for manager/direct report meetings both parties can come away from the meetings with a fuller sense of trust and camaraderie. Plan for business topics to be discussed in the first half and the direct report’s personal topics to be discussed in the latter half. In doing so the direct report has the opportunity to collaborate with their manager to mold and shape their day to day and long-term aspirations, ultimately setting the direct report, and the manager alike, up for success and longevity at the company.